Humor Jokes

Adults have learned

2011-03-04T15:34:00.000-08:00

Great truths about life that adults have learned

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Shopping for goods

2011-03-04T15:32:00.000-08:00

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

The results of statistics

2011-03-04T15:26:00.000-08:00

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there's a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant

The math one-liners

2011-03-04T15:23:00.000-08:00

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!

Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x...
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.

Story about infinity

2011-03-04T15:20:00.000-08:00

A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms. The hotels were across the street from each other and were owned by brothers. One evening, while everyone was out at a bar-b-que, one of the hotels burned to the ground. The brothers got together and worked out a plan. In the remaining hotel, they moved all guests to twice their room number -- room 101 moved to 202, room 1234 moved to room 2468, etc. Then all the odd number rooms were empty, and there were an infinite number of odd rooms. So the guests from the other hotel moved into them.

Upset is unhealthy

2011-02-17T18:34:00.000-08:00

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

A mental hospital

2011-02-17T18:29:00.000-08:00

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Feel better now

2011-02-17T18:26:00.000-08:00

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

Letter to a shrink

2011-02-17T18:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Shrink,

It haunted me for days, weeks, months, years. I couldn’t sleep at night. The sleep I got was full of nightmares and visions.

I fought bout after bout, fight after fight, with plagues of depression and insomnia; paranoia! Just the thought vexed me night after night, day after day.

I served stints in mental institutions, was even suicidal. Not even the normal 1-2 punch of Prozac and Zoloft would help.

Who would think that such a terrible and utterly disgusting act of cruelty and injustice could exist? Exist here in the United States of America, the land of the free the home of the Braves?

I could see a terrible wrong like this happening in third world anarchies, but here? The only place in the world where you can buy a six piece chicken McNugget and redeem 250 UPC symbols for a blue, red, and white basketball all on the same day!

I can still hear their merciless, nerve wrecking, voices; taunting him. They kept shrieking over and over that horrid little phrase, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."

Why couldn’t they just give the innocent, little, white rabbit some cereal? Why? Does the fact that he is a rabbit automatically deprive him of the democratic and patriotic notion, the freedom, of eating cereal?

I can vaguely recollect the times when he was this close to getting some of that, that CEREAL.

There was the time when he dressed as a human and went to that secret meeting but was given away by the exposure of his fluffy white tail (I am still wondering how they accepted the ears).

Then there was the time he went to space and ancient times and even the jungle, but to no avail. You cannot even imagine the rabbits pain.

There are times when you don’t get what you want but you survive; now think of the rabbit. Over 50 YEARS of chasing his only hearts desire, the reason he lives, and NEVER getting it.

Can you even begin to understand his pain, his utter grief? He is such a funny little rabbit, not silly, as those demonic little children accuse him of being.

Despite all his efforts he never got any cereal; not even when the flavor berry-blue was added to the ever-so-popular flavors of orange. Cherry. Grape. Lemon. Lime. WHY?

Those heartless little children had so much cereal and they wouldn’t share. Even one little spoonful would have satisfied my little white friend’s craving for those delicious six flavors. But no!

"Trix aren’t for rabbits. Trix are for kids. Oh! The unbearable agonizing pain it has cost me. That one simple phrase "silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."

For the fourteen antagonizing years of my short but cruel life I have watched helplessly as those evil little children refused to share. I’ve seen the pain in his eyes grow from when he was a black and white toon to the five-color symbol of melancholy, infinite sadness he is now.

No More! In a matter of moments I will be taken up into the ship following the glorious Hale-Bopp and with the help of some friends I. WILL. FEED. THE. RABBIT! Feed him to his hearts desire so he can finally enjoy the pleasure of the orange, cherry, grape, lemon, lime, and new wildberry blue.

I can’t wait to see the look on their moronic little faces as I feed the rabbit! He will be happy as I, when I give Trix to the rabbit and kill the kids! Who’s with me?

Sianara,

Feel better now

2011-02-17T18:13:00.000-08:00

What is the time?

2011-02-17T18:11:00.000-08:00

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

[Visit the previous joke on this topic!]

Psychiatrist phone

2011-02-17T17:59:00.000-08:00

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

Top ten signs that you are too drunk

2011-02-17T17:50:00.000-08:00

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when
you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

Politics

2010-10-04T06:46:00.000-07:00

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I thin k I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Bush And Gore Fishing

2010-10-04T06:43:00.001-07:00

Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other. Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with none.
Gore screamed for a revote.

The next day bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed for a revote.

So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush came back with 293 fish this time and gore got none. Gore goes to the secret service spy and asks whether Bush is
cheating.

"Yes," replied the spy, "he's putting holes in the ice."

Bush And Gore Fishing

2010-10-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

Five Surgeons

2010-10-04T06:41:00.002-07:00

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the
operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything
inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers, those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no
spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."

God's Letter

2010-10-04T06:41:00.001-07:00

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Presidential Bird

2010-10-04T06:34:00.000-07:00

Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" "Well, ma'am," the manager explained, "not everyone would want to own this parrot since he spent years in a whore house and his language is somewhat foul."

"Well, I want him," she said.

"Suit yourself," the manager shrugged. When Hillary got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam."

Hillary laughed.

Soon, Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed.

Hillary explained the bird's history to Chelsea and her friend, so they too, laughed.

Later, the President entered the living quarters. The parrot took one look at him and said, "Hi, Bill!"

The First Bun In The Oven

2010-09-30T15:58:00.000-07:00

Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape, but, that she was pregnant!

She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House.

When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered. Hillary started screaming: "Do you know what you did you lousy jerk? You got me pregnant!!! The President remained silent. Again, Hillary shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU

Finally Bill answered "Who is this"

Try And Talk Your Way Out Of This One

2010-09-30T15:53:00.000-07:00

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gates he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that, since Hell is full, Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants. He will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell.

Three doors appear before Clinton. The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He's being forced to pound big rocks into little rocks. Upon seeing Newt in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says, "That looks painful. I don't think this is for me!"

The second door opens. Behind it is Ted Kennedy. He is bobbing for automobile parts in a large pool of dirty water. Grimacing at the filthy scene, Clinton says, "I don't think so."

The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

"I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

"Very well," says the Devil. "Monica, you may go."

How Many People Can You Make Happy?

2010-09-30T15:52:00.000-07:00

The Gores and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred-$1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the fucking window and make the whole country happy!"

Clinton Jokes

2010-09-30T15:50:00.000-07:00

Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?

A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.

Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton?

A: The President after Bush.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?

A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.

Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?

A: "Don't hit your head on the desk."

Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's Day?

A: All pants half off.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?

A: They both blew the big one several times.

Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government?

A: The Executive Branch.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?

A: They both have slots which say "Insert Bill" here."

Q: What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?

A: This time we know who Deep Throat is.

Q: What's the recipe for Clinton stew?

A: A small weenie in hot water.

Q: What are the ingredients for the new, improved Clinton stew?

A: One wiener, one tongue, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans and hot water.

Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?

A: "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."

Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?

A: A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns.

Q: How do you know Bill Clinton is done having sex?

A: You have to wipe the "White-Water" off your blouse...

Summer Lovin

2010-09-25T07:36:00.002-07:00

The following song is sung to the tune of "Summer Lovin'" from the musical "Grease".

Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast"
Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast"
Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me"
Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees"
Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, I, love those summer nights"

Investigation Committee: "Oh Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah..... UH....
Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip: "try to remember your best"
Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star: "Did he come on your dress?"

Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"
Monica: "The prez is sexy - and makes my panties damp"
Bill: "She gave me head, right in the White House"
Monica: "I said OK, just don't come in my mouth:

Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh. Tell us more, tell us more"

Linda Trip: "he sounds like a swell guy"
Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star: "Did he tell you to lie?"

Bill: "Press found out, it turned into a mess"
Monica: "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress"
Bill: "She promised to lie, she made a vow"
Monica: "Wonder who is servicing him now"
Bill & Monica: "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams,
But.........oh,
Those White House Nights"

Summer Lovin

2010-09-25T07:36:00.000-07:00

Johnny Cochran's top 10

2010-09-25T06:50:00.000-07:00

From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States v. William J. Clinton:

10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess

9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate

8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit

7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal

6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore

5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses

4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life

3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof

2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy

And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:

1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral

What Clinton should have said

2010-09-25T06:46:00.000-07:00

What Clinton SHOULD have said...

Members of Congress...people of America.... I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every butt that entered the Oval Office.

Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange.

And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to my point.

Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.

Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'Internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.

Empty Cans Are Worth Good Money

2010-09-25T06:36:00.000-07:00

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

Wrong Pig

2010-09-25T06:31:00.000-07:00

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.

About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?", asked Bill.

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver.

"My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton.

The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

A Collection

2010-09-25T06:22:00.000-07:00

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself. "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him.

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!"

Saving The President

2010-09-25T06:18:00.000-07:00

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.

Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful defender of the Western Hemisphere.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No, but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning."

Your Clock's Spinning

2010-09-25T06:12:00.000-07:00

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.

St. Peter shows him all the sights - the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's President Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."

Should They Be Underneath The Pants?

2010-09-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton walk in to the Oval Office with a pair of woman's panties on his arm. Somewhat used to the president's tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily tasks.

The day wore on; several VIPs were ushered in and out of the Oval Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state. Each one left with a puzzled expression on their face but no one dared ask about the President's personal business.

Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton's loyal secretary walked into the office between appointments and gently closed the door behind her. "Mr. President," she said, "We've come to expect many unusual things from you but we're all quite concerned that you seem to be wearing a pair of woman's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble."

"Oh no," the President grinned. "It's The Patch. I'm trying to quit."

Hillary with St. Peter

2010-09-24T16:25:00.000-07:00

Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter. She notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here. St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one second.

St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life. The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked.

Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?" St. Peter says, "Bill's clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Janet???

2010-09-24T16:24:00.000-07:00

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.

She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?

Monica's Fear

2010-09-24T16:22:00.000-07:00

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake , so he examined her. " You'll be fine," he said. She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"

The Surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be alright won't I ?"

He replied, 'Yes , you'll be fine Miss Lewinski. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Liars

2010-09-24T16:17:00.000-07:00

A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them.

The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

To which the man replied, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

How To Impress

2010-09-24T16:12:00.000-07:00

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

* Compliment her
* cuddle her
* kiss her
* caress her
* love her
* stroke her
* tease her
* comfort her
* protect her
* hug her
* hold her
* spend money on her
* wine & dine her
* buy things for her
* listen to her
* care for her
* stand by her
* support her
* go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

* Show up naked.

Weight Issues

2010-09-24T16:09:00.000-07:00

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

Saving Life

2010-09-24T16:07:00.000-07:00

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

Pills To The Bull

2010-09-24T16:01:00.000-07:00

A rancher goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows!"

"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the rancher.

"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

Masurbating Problem

2010-09-24T15:57:00.000-07:00

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Eating Grass

2010-09-24T15:54:00.000-07:00

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

Getting Up

2010-09-24T15:53:00.000-07:00

A recent survey was conducted to discover why blondes get out of bed in the middle of the night:

- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.

- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.

- 83% said it was to go home.

The Bear and the Rabbit

2010-08-02T23:36:00.001-07:00

There is a bear chasing a rabbit through the forest and they're running and running and they stop because a ginnie appears. The ginnie says " if you two stop fighting and chasing each other i'll give you each three wishes"
They agree. The bear wishes first for the biggest "package" of all the bears in the whole forest.And his wish comes true. The rabbit then wishes for an unlimited supply of carrots. His wish is granted too. The bear's second wish is that all the bears in the forest , except him, are female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. The bear's last wish is that all the bears fall madly in love with him. The rabbit's final wish is that the bear becomes gay, and the rabbit jumps on his motorcycle and rides away.

Business Decision

2010-08-02T21:45:00.000-07:00

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to Nevada . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom & sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.

Helicopter Problem

2010-08-02T07:55:00.001-07:00

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seatle.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Boyfriend

2010-08-02T07:50:00.000-07:00

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

A Night In Mexico

2010-08-02T07:35:00.000-07:00

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Mr Right Application

2010-08-02T07:33:00.000-07:00

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in
your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply..

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

___I find your inability to fix my car
extraordinarily unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

He Said She Said

2010-08-02T07:31:00.000-07:00

He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said..You wear briefs, don't you

He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.

He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said.. Well, you succeeded.

He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you

She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said.. I would, but you're never there.

He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?

She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

His And Hers Road Trip

2010-08-02T07:27:00.000-07:00

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.
Opens window.
Asks directions from a knowledgeable police officer.
Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.
Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.
Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.
Pulls up to a 7 -11.
Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
Gets back into car.
Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
Almost hits a deer.
Curses the night.
Curses you.
Curses the large slurpee.
Drives and fiddles with radio.
Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.
He hates your sister.
Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
He had to look up pernicious.
Couldn't find a dictionary.
Finally found a dictionary.
Couldn't spell pernicious.
Seethes at the memory of it all.
But she is laughing inside..
And of course you're still lost.

Lawyer In Hell

2010-08-02T07:26:00.000-07:00

A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

"I'll choose this room," he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

Advantages Of Being A Woman

2010-05-13T06:15:00.000-07:00

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

The Circle

2010-03-03T04:56:00.000-08:00

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

Diagnosis

2010-03-02T16:58:00.000-08:00

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better

Helicopter Problem

2010-03-02T16:57:00.000-08:00

Accepting The Commandments

2010-03-02T16:55:00.000-08:00

God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not murder." They answered "Sorry, we are not interested."

Next he offered it to the Romanians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said. He answered, "Thou shalt not steal." They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."

Next he offered them to the French. "What commandments do you offer?" they asked. "Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife." "Sorry we are not interested," they answered.

Finally he approached the Jews. "How much?" they asked. "It's free," he answered. "We'll take ten!"

Tragedy

2010-03-02T16:47:00.000-08:00

Once George Bush Jr. visited an elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident".

Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?"

A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car."

Bush says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?"

A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff."

Bush says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?"

A boy raises his hand and says and says, "If you and Mrs. Bush was on a plane and it blew up."

Then Bush says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?"

And the little boy says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss."

Texas vs NY

2010-03-02T16:45:00.000-08:00

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer
from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any
cop from Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some
fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License
and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to acomplete stop, that's the
law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to
stop, or just slow down?"

Printable Version

Donations To The United Way

2010-03-02T16:42:00.000-08:00

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer, so a volunteer was sent to solicit his donation.

"Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way."

The lawyer said, "First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh, no."

"Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, "Uh, no."

"Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?"

The United Way rep was humiliated. "No, sir. I had no idea."

The lawyer concluded, "Well, then. If I don't give any money to them, why do you think I'd give any to you?!"

Covering Shoe

2010-03-02T16:40:00.000-08:00

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

Grandma Loves Oranges

2010-03-02T16:39:00.000-08:00

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in
on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

Human Race

2010-02-12T06:00:00.000-08:00

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

Father Of Who

2010-02-12T05:54:00.000-08:00

A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.

She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked "Do I know you?"

The woman answers "I think your the father of one of my kids".

The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.

So he says to the woman "are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party about 5 years ago?" "You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table while your friend spanked my bare ass with a whip?"

The woman looks at him horrified and says "No, I'm your son's teacher".

Nun In The Bar

2010-02-12T05:44:00.000-08:00

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

Blonde Painter

2010-02-12T05:43:00.000-08:00

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Because I'm Blonde?

2010-02-12T05:32:00.000-08:00

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

A Night In Mexico

2010-02-12T05:31:00.000-08:00

Olympic Condoms

2010-02-12T05:25:00.000-08:00

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Attitude

2010-02-11T06:48:00.000-08:00

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said.

"That's right, said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

Together At Last

2010-02-11T06:46:00.000-08:00

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, ???Lord, they???re finally together.???

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, ???Do you think he means her first, second or third husband???? The friend replied, ???I think he means her legs.???

Running in the woods

2010-01-15T00:58:00.000-08:00

A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint.
He runs up the Giraffe and says, “Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn’t do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!”
The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.
After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke.
The Rabbit says, “Oh, Elephant you really shouldn’t do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you.”
The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.
Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin.
The Rabbit runs up to him and says, “Hey, Bear, you shouldn’t do that, think of your health. You’d be better of running in the woods with us.”
The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.
After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer.
The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, “Hey Tiger, you really shouldn’t d that.” and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit.
The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, “What the hell are you doing, man?”
The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, “Ah, that little f*cker really pisses me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he’s on Ecstasy!”

Tit for tat

2010-01-15T00:56:00.000-08:00

While the Gates' are moving in from their temporary quarters nearby, final construction of their new house is not expected to be completed until the end of the year. Now if I were the contractor with a sense of humor...
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room: or you can use a Stacker."
Bill: "Stacker?"
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I Dunno... Issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! Thats easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resource preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will it be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house - which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

What He Says, What He Means

2010-01-15T00:54:00.000-08:00

"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"

"You look terrific."
Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Lacking all religion

2009-12-19T21:44:00.000-08:00

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

Aptitude test

2009-12-19T21:42:00.000-08:00

Bob meets Bill at the bar after work and is once again looking down in the dumps.
"Whats wrong now Bob," asked Bill.
Bob replies, "They called in a management team and gave everyone in the office an aptitude test to see what they were best suited for."
"Yeah, so whats the problem with that," asks Bill.
Bob sighs, "Well it seems that I am best suited for unemployment. "

Too strict

2009-12-19T21:21:00.000-08:00

Well, I was thinking about re-entering the work force but gave that up after trying a new job.
Man, they were so strict at that job that I had to quit.
It was constantly: "No personal calls."
"Don't surf the web."
"Put your pants back on."
I mean, who can work in an environment like that?

Job titles

2009-12-19T21:19:00.000-08:00

In line with our constitution and to eliminate discrimination in our society, the following titles will now be used for these jobs:

Garden Boy - Landscape Executive and Animal Nutritionist

House Maid - Family Environs Upkeep Manager

Typist - Printed Document Handler

Messenger - Business Communications Conveyer

Window Cleaner - A Transparent Wall Technician

Tea Boy - Refreshments Overseer

Garbage Collector - Public Sanitation Technicians

Watchman - Theft Prevention and Surveillance Officer or Wealth Distribution Prevention Officer

Prostitute - Practical Sexual Relations Demonstrator

Thief - Wealth Distribution Officer

Receptionist - Office Access Control Specialist

Cook - Food Preparation Officer

Office Orderly - Office Administration Facilitator

Cleaner - Office Hygiene Control Specialist

Management Training Program

2009-12-19T21:18:00.000-08:00

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management-training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

Trainee

2009-12-19T21:15:00.000-08:00

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee....
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded:
"You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put the phone down.

A Little Gas

2009-12-19T21:12:00.000-08:00

While walking in the convent a priest passed one of the nuns and noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight, are we Sister Angela?" he asked.
"No, Father," Sister Angela said, "It's just a little gas."
A month or two later, the priest noticed that she had gained yet more weight.
"Gaining some weight, are we Sister Angela?" asked the priest.
"No, Father, just a little gas," she again replied.
A couple of months later, the priest noticed Sister Angela pushing a baby carriage through the convent. Approaching her, he leaned over, looked in the carriage and said, "My, what a cute little fart!"

Fried Chicken

2009-12-19T21:05:00.000-08:00

My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Cruise special

2009-12-19T21:04:00.000-08:00

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!"
So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks,
"Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"
The second blonde replies,"They didn't last year...."

Emergency

2009-12-19T21:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my life like men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me.
I could tell he was not a happy camper! 'What's going on here?'
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'
AND THEY THINK I'M A DUMB BLONDE!!

At the job interview

2009-12-19T20:58:00.000-08:00

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And, ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"
"Ohh, that!", replies the blonde, "I was just running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

Poster

2009-11-17T15:40:00.000-08:00

Friendship is a sheltering tree.

I believe in Angels, the ones that Heaven sends. Each day I tell those Angels, you are my best of friends.

Always draw a circle around the ones you love, never draw a heart because hearts can be broken, but circles are never ending.

A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature.

True friends warm the heart, make you laugh, smile...yes, you are a true friend.

A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway

Your the kind of friend that only heaven could have sent.

I need you too know our friendship means a lot - If you cry then I cry, if you laugh..if you jump out the window I look down then....I laugh again :-)

Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light.

Books, like friends, should be few and well chosen.

The world is round so that friendship may encircle it.

FORGET YOU

2009-11-17T15:39:00.000-08:00

It takes a minute to have a crush, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

I FOUND U

2009-11-17T15:32:00.000-08:00

Love is like a cloud... love is like a dream... love is 1 word and everything in between... love is a fairytale come true... Coz I found love when I found U.

WHY IS HE NOT MINE...

2009-11-17T15:31:00.000-08:00

wOrLd iS cRueL, LoVe iS bLinD.
LoSt iN sAdnEsS, BluR In miND.
HeArT iS bRoKeN, fLaMe hAd DiEd.
TiMe HaS pAsSeD bUt wHy iS hE... sTiLL nOt mInE...

STILL LOVING U

2009-11-17T15:29:00.000-08:00

i håtê Smî|îÑg jûSt tO prEtêñD î'M ñOt hUrt.
î hÅtE to gîGglê tO Show î'll ßê okåY.
î hAtE tO laUgh aFtEr î Cry.
í Stìll lovE YOU ßût í'Vé tó SaY gooDbYê...

TRULY LOVE

2009-11-17T15:23:00.001-08:00

It’s hard to find someone whom you truly love,
much less to find someone who loves you as much.
When the chance comes, don't ever let go.

TRULY LOVE

2009-11-17T15:23:00.000-08:00

It’s hard to find someone whom you truly love,
much less to find someone who loves you as much.
When the chance comes, don't ever let go.

Sms Happy Deepavali

2009-11-17T15:22:00.000-08:00

"Roshan ho deepak sara jag jagmagaye
Liye sath Sita maiyya ko Ram jee hain aaye,

Har shahar yu lage mano Ayodhya ho
Aao, har Dwar har Gali har Mod pe hum deep jalaye"
Deepavali ki Dhero Shubh Kamanaye.

Gurpurab Sms / Guru Nanak Jayanti Sms

2009-11-17T15:20:00.000-08:00

Kissi ne pucha tera Gharbaar kitna hai,
Kissi ne pucha tera Karobar kitna hai,
Kssi ne pucha tera parivar kitna hai,

Koi virla hi puch da hai,
TERA GURU NAAL PYAAR KITNA HAI…

Gurpurab/Guru Nanak Jayanti Di Lakh Lakh Vadhayee

Honesty Game

2009-11-06T02:25:00.000-08:00

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''

''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''

''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''

Texas vs NY

2009-11-06T02:11:00.000-08:00

My Lexus!

2009-11-06T02:10:00.000-08:00

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door a
truck came roaring past and completely tore off the driver's door of the
Lexus. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.
When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body
shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are", he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looked down to his left side and let
out a terrible scream: "Oh my God!!! ... MY ROLEX!"

Smart Blonde

2009-11-06T02:08:00.000-08:00

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Profesions Fight

2009-11-06T01:54:00.000-08:00

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"